Lyndeisms

Q: You're the world's most popular fruit. What are you?
Lynde: Humble.

Q: What is said to be wasted on the young?
Lynde: A whipping.

Q: What is the most abused and neglected part of the body?
Lynde: Well, mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: True or false? At a recent hearing, opponents of fluorinated water argued that too much fluorine in a person's system can cause an uncontrollable desire for sex.
Lynde: (shouting) HEY CULLIGAN MAN!

Q: As any good boat enthusiast knows, that when a man falls out of a boat, you yell "man overboard." Now, what should you yell if a woman falls out of a boat?
Lynde: Full speed ahead!

Q: True or false? Your teeth are about the same size and shape as a pig's.
Lynde: Look who's talking, Beaverface. (Host Peter Marshall had an overbite.)

Q: A cub scout holds up two fingers. A boy scout holds up three fingers. What does a girl scout hold up?
Lynde: Well, that just depends on how many cookies you buy.

Q: Why do the Hell's Angels wear leather?
Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: In Alice in Wonderland, who kept crying, "I'm late, I'm late"?
Lynde: Alice. And her mother is sick about it.

Q: Which is better looking, a pixie or a fairy?
Lynde: I'll go for the fairy.

Q: In The Wizard of Oz, the Lion wanted courage and the Tin Man wanted a heart. What did the Scarecrow want??
Lynde: He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.

Q: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Lynde: I don't have a third choice?

Q: Paul, how many men on a hockey team?
Lynde: Oh, about half.

Q: True or false: Women are sexier after having a baby.
Lynde: Right after?

Q: What would the Lone Ranger always leave behind with the damsel in distress he'd saved?
Lynde: A masked baby!

Q: Why was Nathan Hale hung?
Lynde: Heredity.

Q: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
Lynde: As long as that's as far as it goes.

Q: Why do sheep sleep huddled up?
Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue is a weirdo!

Q: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?
Lynde: Smuggling.

Q: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?
Lynde: Well, it's easier to steer.

Q: True or false: in the recent world kissing contest in England, two contestants were disqualified when they got too passionate.
Lynde: Yes, but they went on to win in three other categories.

Q: True or false: Paul Revere had sixteen children.
Lynde: From one midnight ride?

Q: You’re equipped with a pick, a sieve, and a shallow pan. What are you about to do?
Lynde: Joan Crawford's eyebrows.

Q: Prehistoric man had two uses for sheep. One was for food. What was the other?
Lynde: Conversation.

Q: What two things should you never do in bed?
Lynde: Point and laugh.